Ali Lochhead

I'm heading up to the west end for the Crisis at Christmas training session and I'm running late. I'm feeling nervous, I'm not sure what to expect. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea," my mind starts chattering, "You're late anyway, you've already messed up!" But I'm not listening! I'm going to get to the church, even if I'm not on time!

I arrive and the church is packed, one of the guys in the presentation team smiles and points to a spare pew. I feel reassured. "Who are all these people?" I wonder. I surreptitiously look around but can't get a handle on it, they seem to be all different ages and from a whole load of cultural backgrounds. I'm amazed so many people are all here to volunteer their time to help the homeless at Christmas and the speaker explains there are 8 thousand volunteers in all, this is the largest voluntary project in Europe.

He runs through some stats, homelessness is not just rough sleeping but they estimate 4000 people slept out on the streets in London last year and he describes how that feels. The person tries to make themselves as small as possible. They try to protect their possessions as best they can, as these belongings mean the world to them. If they have a sleeping bag, they'll put their stuff deep inside and they will try to make themselves invisible to save them from being kicked by drunks passing by later, who find that entertaining. I want to cry. I've thought about people facing the rain, the cold, in other words external factors, but I've never thought about how it feels to be inside that person's body.

The guy giving the presentation explains many of the people coming to the centre want to be with their families so he reminds us not to bang on about our families, as it's a bit insensitive. I want to cry again! Partly for them and partly for me! I feel desire for my ex all over again! I still want to be with him and his family this Christmas but we've had a heart to heart and he's told me he while he loves me he doesn't think we can form a long term relationship.

Really, I'm just feeling vulnerable myself, putting myself inside the body of a rough sleeper and feeling their vulnerability has connected me to my own sense of vulnerability.

But in my case it's all illusionary. In my case, I'm lucky, I have a roof over my head. The reason I'm feeling vulnerable, "exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, physically or emotionally," is because I've made myself feel vulnerable emotionally. My mental ego creates an expectation, an image in my mind of the Christmas I want with my family, even though I know it's unrealistic! But my ego uses that expectation to create a void, a gap between reality and my expectation/my image. This harms me emotionally because instead of feeling Love and Peace with what is, I feel pain and suffering. That's my emotional ego. It doesn't feel nice to feel emotional pain but instead of breathing into it, being at One with myself and at Peace with what is, my mental ego kicks back in again and creates another void, to try and fill the first one! So it creates another expectation this time around my ex and his family. And I've been snared! Identified with my ego, caught up in this trap I'm feeling vulnerable sitting here in the church hall because I'm scared I'm going to attack myself again, my ego is scared of itself!

And it's not wrong, that's exactly what I'm doing! I go round the loop again and victimise myself again! Now the monkey mind chatter turns on me, "I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons, I'm just being selfish." And my egoic mind creates another illusionary void by running forward in time and creates more expectation, this time negative expectation about me! "I won't manage this, I'll burst into tears on my first day on shift!" Of course, the truth is, I don't know how I'll feel on the day.

The guy presenting explains the whole approach of Crisis at Christmas is non-judgmental, there is no difference between the guests and me, the only difference is I will be wearing a name badge. Everyone involved is volunteering, we are all in this together. Phew! I don't have to fake anything then! I can just be me. And if I feel emotional on the day, well that's ok.

He explains it can bring up emotions in us all and we have a debrief at the end for this reason, he's very sensitive on this issue.

The reasons the homeless people are in the situation they are in is complex, he explains, and I'm not going to solve their problems in a couple of days. But, he says, it's amazing the difference Love can make. Just by just sitting with someone, taking time to chat, play scrabble, you can help a person find the place within where they Love themselves, where they feel equal and valued members of our society no matter what their circumstances. That can make all the difference, he says, as it means they'll find the inner strength to make it to an appointment, an AA meeting, whatever it is they need to do to take their next step. Whatever tasks I am given on the day, my primary purpose is just to give Unconditional Love.

I find the briefing reassuring. They prepare me for everything, they even tell me how to dress, (dress down) and they give a fashion show which is hilarious, I hear myself laughing, I look around, everyone else is laughing too.

I feel full of gratitude for the guidance. I feel full of hope. I leave the session with a skip in my step, I'm back in the driving seat once again, looking forward to this experience and seeing what it will bring.

Ali

Crisis Homeless Charity